Tuesday, February 15, 2011

she knows the highest stakes.

It's been awhile since I posted about my big leap of faith in myself and my career as I ventured to Chicago for job interviews. It's a long story but to make a long story short: I didn't get the job. Not without accolade and praise and "you almost made it" and we want "you to apply again next round!". And I even got to feeling okay by being edged out by someone who already worked in that department in Chicago with years of seniority on me - I understand that I made it far and that the candidate they chose was almost a shoo-in. I also know that the networking I did with Chicago contacts will serve me well. I went into it feeling grateful just to be a contender and I remain steadfast in that. I feel proud about my performance.

But at the end of a day after making peace with your loss, there's still those moments that resonate as you lay in bed in a pitch black room and try to fall asleep. In those moments, I always hear myself saying that my time here is dwindling. I can't do Portland forever. I love it here: my home, my life, my youth-it will always be me. But I owe myself more than settling where I grew up. I wasn't meant to be in one place forever and I get sick to my stomach imagining a life where I only live here.


I remember being a teeny girl and KNOWING that the world was my oyster and that I could do anything I wanted to do. That little girl's jar of worms, muddy hands and yellow leggings may be long-gone but her spirit isn't. She's still right with me reminding me that I want more for myself than what I have. That I deserve to spread my wings and that I would be doing myself a grave disservice if I didn't do so.
I'm not letting that girl down.

Chicago: Until we meet again...


Are you planning on staying in your current city for life? Do tell...

16 comments:

this is me. said...

hey doll! we went to eat at the london grill inside the benson hotel downtown.

okay, i am totally loving this post. mostly because i'm ready to move on to a different city - boston to be exact. i am a cali girl and have enjoyed my stay here in pdx - but i'm just ready for that next stage. but, my dad's health is also another consideration. i know that i won't be moving back to l.a. - it'll always be home, but the life i want and who i've become just doesn't belong there anymore. maybe san fran - who knows really ... austin, tx ... i love chicago, i've been there lots of times ... i'd even consider NYC or DC. sigh .. decisions, decisions ... and i love, love my job here. anyway, i believe that things happen for a reason so maybe there's a better one in line for you in chicago, or some place better :)

Stevie said...

Aw, so sorry you didn't get the job. But I'm so glad you're holding your head up high. And this experience will really serve you well for any future job hunts! Keep at it and you'll go far :-)

jociegal said...

Hmmmm...with my English husband AND working in the film biz - likely not. It's crazy to think where we will all be in 10 years. It makes me both happy and sad to think about...

Katie said...

You arent letting her down. You already are spreading your wings, this is just part of the process. I knew I wanted to end up in Birmingham, but I didnt want to ONLY be here. I moved away to college (still in AL, but an not in Bham), then I moved to MS when we got married. Not my dream state, but it was away from home, and for the better part of 18-25 I wasn't in Birmingham. You need the time away to figure out where you really want to be, or I did at least.

this free bird said...

I was that same girl lying in her bed and one day I literally just took the hugest risk ever and moved 3000 miles away not knowing anyone. It scared the hell out of me, but was so exhilarating at the same time. Seattle was my first stop for about 5 years, and I've been in Southern Cal for the past 8 years. I've only in the past 6 months thought about moving back. Your time is coming. You are THAT girl!!

xo,
C

kirstyb said...

thanks for sharing xxxx

Megan said...

I'm looking for jobs in Chicago right now :-) My best friend lives there, I go there once a month and LOVE the city, and my other friend totalled my car, so I am looking for a city with public transportation (so I can spend my money on clothes and traveling and NOT a new car haha!).

I think it is great to move away from everything you know and make a new city "your own". My family lives in Virginia and I am currently in Cincinnati, OH. Sometimes I have learned that when you're away from your home and the place you grew up, it makes it THAT much more special when you go back!

Go for it girl!

Erika said...

No, I don't plan on staying in my current city for the entirety of my life. It's a small town, no public transportation, and just not...me. I'm not saying that I will roam too far; but I think that another area of California - like San Diego - would be more fitting for my personality. We will all get there someday, Caitlin!! :)

Kinsey Michaels said...

aww Caitlin I was wondering what ever became of that job in Chicago. I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get it. But it really sounds sound like you were so so so close to getting it, if only it weren't for that shoe-in!

Everything that followed in your post completely inspired me, because I'm in that same boat. The thought of settling in the area I grew up makes me feel like a prisoner. It's fun to experience a new place and start fresh.
Doni of Doniree.com actually just moved to your city to start a new life! I think previously she lived in Boulder, CO.

Is there any other job opportunities you could go after? Do you feel like Chicago is THE place you'd want to relocate to? Or do you have other areas in mind too?

PorkStar said...

awwww, sorry to hear, but it may be for the best. Something better awaits.

As for me, NYC is not a place to live forever. You grow resentment and love at the same time, you switch from one to the other in a matter of hours.

I hope not to be here in a few year's time. I can't stand being in NY all my life.

Ashleigh said...

I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get this job, but don't give up! The right thing will come along. You're determined and it's only a matter of time! (I just commented on your previous Chicago post too ;)

{av} said...

sigh. I wish the job would've landed in your lap...but I always think when things like this happen that something better is meant to be. you are taking such a great attitude about it--and I'm sure everything will turn out the way it's supposed to! xoxo {av}

Kristin W said...

I TOTALLY KNOW that feeling. Growing up in Georgia, practically the same town even through college, had me dying to get out. As I went through college and started seeing more of the world on my own, I knew I was not meant to stay there. Falling in love with someone can change those moving plans quick. But we finally did get out. And I did fall in love with our new home, Raleigh, NC, but can definitely see myself living in lots more places and exploring.

I feel like even just finally moving out of GA, made me feel more content with just traveling and maybe not moving around my whole life. I still dream of moving big places one day...Europe? Keep pursuing that dream of moving and it will definitely happen!

Kavery said...

I've gone through that too when we moved to NZ. Been here 10 years and now getting antsy again. When the time is right it will happen for you :)

Kara said...

I love that this post is so upbeat and inspirational but still honest. It's true - it CAN totally suck to feel disappointment, but it's clear that your determination will get you where you need to be.

I admire your drive, lady. I love a woman with goals. Rock on - you'll get your Chicago soon.

OceanDreams said...

i'm proud of you for giving it your best shot and hell no do i want to stay in UT! ha ha. i want to head back to CA, where i feel like i've always belonged. i just love love love it there, not just because of BK, but because i feel my heart is there, you know? i hope you and Chicago meet again real soon!