Monday, October 15, 2012

Fit or Fat? Fat.

Two weeks ago I fell on my knee very hard. The kind of fall that little kids are accustomed to as they sprint down the street, trip over their shoelaces and go flying into the pavement. That kind of fall. After a week of severe pain and realizing there was NO outward sign of injury, I decided to head to the Doctor to make sure that I wasn't strolling around with a bone injury. Well thankfully, the muscle beneath my knee is just badly bruised and needs weeks of TLC. But I did get a diagnosis at the Doctor that I had long suspected but couldn't bring myself to fathom its intensity: Since moving in with the boy I've gained 25 motherf&^*ing, whopping pounds
This is my body when I work out 4-5 days a week for an hour and don't eat like a pig. NOT.THAT.HARD.CAITLIN.
 There have been many signs - the little belly that has never, ever been there before. The usual go-to dresses that I suddenly feel the urge to burn in a fire after trying them on. The fact that I just have felt generally shittier in stores. They've been there- yet, I have been too scared to step on a scale and see the damage.

So what the f*ck?

My Sis on Left, me on Right: My High School Body- couldn't have gained weight if I tried!
With great humility I must say that this has been the first time I have ever had an issue with my weight. Before that sounds condescending or conceited- let me quickly explain why this is so in 3 reasons.

1) Body History: I had one of those eat-anything metabolisms up until College. I was always skinny without trying in elementary, middle and high school. So it was just a non-issue for me.

2) Working It Out has been a Lifestyle: I played Sports my entire life and was a 4-year Athletic Letterer at my high school which meant year-round, 5-day workouts. Even if my body had transitioned into gaining weight easier, I wouldn't have known as I exercising so much that nothing would have stayed on. When  I did start to gain weight in College- due to my years in Sports-I knew how to maintain it to a degree I felt comfortable with. No problem there. Eassssy-Peasssy! Pass the Keg Tap!
I did okay weight-wise in College due to my athletic youth. But I am still friends with this doofus, so I didn't do so great. (wink, wink Jeej).
3)Healthy body image: As I've gotten older, it has been much harder to keep weight off- but even though I don't have the body I did at 18, I'm f*cking okay with it. I don't need to be super skinny (and I promise you, I do not want to be!!) so maintaining a FIT body has been easy to me. My butt will ALWAYS be big. My thighs will always be rotund: All about realistic expectations!

So why the weight gain?

Though I am asking myself this a lot lately (why has a lifetime of healthy body habits all of a sudden changed?), I feel there's a few reasons:

1) Weeknights: I have never liked hanging out with people on the weeknights. Minus the occasional Thursday, I use my weekdays for work, gym, sleep. Even when I would take a couple days off here and there, they would only be filled with more TV. Now I LIVE with a friend. It's sooo much easier to lounge around. And the nights I skip are detrimental- we revel in the break and make big dinners and crack a bottle of wine.

2) I am NOT a boy. Let's just say that I live with one of those classic guys who can eat like sh*t and not gain an ounce. Thus, when he prepares those meals, I need to be b*tchslapped and reminded that it will affect me differently.

3) I'm attached. While I still enjoy opposite-sex attention like any other red-blooded human, I don't feel AS much of a need for it as I did when I was single. As normal as that is it kind of sucks, I think the drive to gain that attention (as long as it's in a healthy manner!) makes for a solid body. [Hi Babe, I'll be flirting in the name of my Goal Weight. K? K! XOXO].
My Post-College Skinniest. But I was mid-breakup. So besides Work- all I did was cry and exercise.

So what am I going to do?

Well, despite KNOWING that I'm going to fully return to my Sunday-Wednesday workouts (and no wine!), I've decided to jumpstart with THIS PLAN

Which means this is my meal for today and tomorrow to get it going. 
 No: I am not a fan of crazy diets. Yes: I am a fan of a 1-2 days cleanse every now and again.
Wish me lots of luck, plenty of motivation and the ability to remind myself that I do not want to ever wind up in one of those electronic scooters. And once I actually lose some weight from this, be ready for some before/after pictures. Definitely made The Boy take some "BEFORES" tonight and bless his little eat-whatever-he-wants heart, he tried very hard to act like he didn't notice my weight gain... kinda. His eyes speak. I'm debating starting a fight over it.
Why you make me fat?! 
In regards to weight, it all comes down to how you feel. And as I know and feel that this is not the right weight for me, I'm going to change it- simple as that. And by 'simple' I mean 'holy h@ll this will suck'.

Have you ever faced a weight showdown?


JW | PEONY said...

First off, you could gain 100 lbs. and still be gorgeous. I know what it's like though to be on the scale and have the number SHOCK you. I myself should move towards better eating habits and a consistent work out plan-- so thank you for acting as a motivator.

Get it girl!

p.s. I'm going to look into trying that cleanse...

erika sorocco said...

Weight gain or no, you look gorgey, Caitlin! But I totally hear you on feeling icky in stores, and life in general when you feel even the slightest bit out of shape.

I think that the best thing is everything in moderation. Exercise, smaller meal portions, and eating healthier. Also...I always take beverages into consideration - it's amazing how many calories there are in certain (read: most) drinks!

Good luck, Caitlin; I am rooting for you!!! :)

Pat Hatt said...

Bah a few pounds doesn't hurt anything, but I know what you mean about the feeling of it. Was lazy through university and gained a good bit, got it off and will keep it off. Just feel so much better.

Kisti Belle said...

LOve this post! I've been feeling the same and recently made a pledge to lose about 10lbs! :)

Anonymous said...

I married one of those eat-whatever-he-wants-and-not-gain-weight boys, so I definitely experienced a post-wedding weight gain when I moved in with him. It's like you said, why on earth did I think we could eat the same amount? Good luck and your attitude in this post is fabulous. :)

HollyGoGlam said...

Oh gosh yes I feel yah there girl!! I have lived with the bf for 4 years now and put on the weight! It's hard when they eat whatever they want and then you look at your sad little rabbit food meal and feel satisfied eating that while the bf gobbs down a burrito! But I think you look great and completely fab!! I have a wedding looming in the distance and am on a gym/diet routine as well and fell off the wagon this weekend! Back on it today and gym tonight!

Lindsay said...

You're gorgeous either way! Good luck on reaching your goals! I'm working on losing weight now too and I need help staying motivated!

Bravoe Runway said...

I can't tell you out on 25 lbs and still look great but if you don't feel your best then its time to make some lifestyle changes!

ff said...

I can't tell either! This post is so great, though. I've battled with weight. More appropriately, I've battled with body-image. Oddly enough I lost a ton after moving in with the boy. He makes me feel so good about myself that I think the happiness just made it fall right off. Then I had kids....haha still working on it. High school me will always be skinnier than what I am now...whenever now is. But that's okay. Because we're not girls anymore. We're women.

naghmeh said...

dang girl look at those abs of steel in that photo! but as you said it's not that hard to fit in a bit of fitness into the week and it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy and fit to enjoy life!
I wish you lots of luck and motivation! you can do it, I got faith :)

Panty Buns said...

Remember that The Boy is a few inches taller. Bigger bodies generally burn more calories and can metabolize a little more alcohol too, not that I'd recommend that (I remember those days). Bee glad you're taller than Snooki. I know the feeling with the weight gains (and losses). Sad to say I lost muscle doing my crash diets from time to time. From 132 at my thinnest (at 6 feet tall) up to a healthy 160 to 185 at marriage to 205 post divorce, a crash diet to 158, back up to 180, down to 170 for a film, up to 202, down to 160, up to 210, back to 195 and wanting to lose 25 or so for outfit posts. Its better to find a regimen that is satisfying and balances your exercise with your intake (says me, someone with no clue how to accomplish that). I think you look great in all your photos, and guys love big butts (or at least I do). Enjoy and be healthy! I love all your pics!

Ali W. said...

K, you are beautiful! You look perfect. My weight fluctuates too and I's super annoying. I think you're awesome for making a goal...something I DEFINITELY need to do.

Unknown said...

Gurlllllll, I wish i looked like that when i finish college!!!
I've just started focusing on my diet more and have adopted more of a clean eating philosophy as i was just eating too much junk and feeling like shit. its amazing how just one week of cutting the crappy food can make you feel and look so much better!

BlackLOG said...

“Since moving in with the boy I've gained 25 motherf&^*ing, whopping pounds.”

So that is where my missing weight has gone..... I was going to ask for it back but it looks better on you....

“After a week of severe pain and realizing there was NO outward sign of injury, I decided to head to the Doctor”

I fell and landed on my hand back in July and it still hurts to buggery....I’m assessing if it is worth a trip to my doctor, he can be so dismissive if I turn up with anything not terminal....

Lindsey @ The Hill House said...

Being comfortable in a relationship definitely does take a toll on the body...I've noticed that cellulite is popping up on my backside, and it is none too pleasant a sight. Think I might have to try this plan with you to see if that helps. Oh yes, and my close to nightly wine consumption doesn't help me either. :( Let's be in this together! But for real, on this side of the screen you can't even tell you've gained an ounce. Not even one.

Elle Sees said...

Why you make me fat? Lmao.
You look great babe!!

Mandee said...

I hear you, loosing weight is so hard! I didn't even notice and I think you look great. Tell your boyfriend I told him that even though he is a lucky dude that doesn't gain weight, he should work out WITH you on the weeknights, that way you can still hang together!

Mandy @ In the Fashion Lane said...

SO I am just reading this AFTER our Twitter convo today! I totally understand and I am here for support. You know my struggles and how mental the whole process is. I have no doubt that you will hit your goals in no time!

P.S. You are beautiful and HILARIOUS. I was laughing out loud reading some of your comments.

Unknown said...

You're so stunning, and you should feel confident!

I understand where you were coming from though - I too had put on a bit when i move in with jeremy, and only now am i finally working it all off - took for freaking ever. It was a shock though and really pissed me off lol

xoxo Bree
The Urban Umbrella

| C AND C | Sarmin said...

So four years ago, the summer before I turned 21 I was on this I am going to be 21, I want shop at Forever 21 kick. Lost whole bunch of weight, alot of weight...Come Feb 2009, I get sick, stop working out, weight comes back. I am not the same weight I use to be pre-summer 2008, but still not good. I have been the same weight pretty much for the last tree years, maybe up/down 5lbs here & there, but the same. I am ready to start working in the retail world, so I so need to lose weight now, however I can't seem to put down the cookie dough icecream or can of coke. BOO!

I think your beautiful, & I would kill to have your body, trust me!
I am so interested in this cleanse.
I am gonna read up on it.

Harriet said...

Ummm, YES. When I moved in with my now-husband, I realized quickly that I was gaining weight, but (shamefully) it's taken me years to do something about it. Even though the process has been reaaallllllyyyy slow, I've lost 15 lbs this year, solely because I don't eat every time he eats. It took me forever to realize that I wasn't always hungry when he was, but I ate with him because it was a form of us spending time together. I still don't have it figured out 100%, but there's hope! :) Good luck-- it WILL be frustrating, but essentially, it's about striking a healthy balance between what's good and what's fun.
[Also, don't expect your BF to (fully) understand your frustration. When we were in college and he wanted to lose some "pudge," my husband simply cut out the ENTIRE PIZZA he used to have as a SNACK. Gah! It's a good thing they're so cute. :)]

BrandiB said...

Okay - the comment on that last photo? Best. Caption. Ever.

BrandiB said...

Okay - the caption on that last photo? Best. Caption. Ever.

PS - nice work over the past few months!