Wednesday, February 25, 2015

An Open Letter to Netflix | The One Where You Took Away All The Jokes

 Dear Netflix,

I am writing this with a sad, gaping hole in my heart (but still keep in mind that I’mmmm breezy) and even as I type these words, I am filled with the worry that I am being too greedy. But alas, there are two types of people in this world: People who do evil (you) and people who watch evil being done and do nothing (not me anymore since I’m writing this).

When you announced that "Friends" was going to be on Netflix, I basically flew out of my barcalounger and handed Chandler a lamp from the table. You see, Chandler is my dog. I named him that for reasons that I plainly do not need to spell out for you. However, if I have to explain the sentence before about the chair and the lamp as I was drunk with excitement, I fear you who put this on air did so without the level of expertise that someone in your position warrants.

 Sure, we all have the full series of Friends on DVD. That’s a given. And I’m fairly certain those who don’t, are not the target market you had in mind when you decided to close the best television deal of all time: Fusing the world’s most beloved show with everyone’s secret desire to remain horizontal for hours on end on the weeknights & weekends. Being able to glide through episodes and bounce around from season to season has been what I can only imagine Heaven is like. Without accidentally exercising, I can watch Monica introduce herself as Richard’s twinkie to her Mom, witness Rachel have trouble seeing her baby, feel for Chandler as he desperately tries to guess which sister, hope that Ross one day WILL BE AVENGED, visit Joey (and his hand twin) in Vegas and be happy for Phoebe when her Mom comes to visit her as a cat. I CAN DO ALL OF THAT IN ONE SITTING AND I’LL NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH.

 So, it is with sadness that I pose the following question: WHERE ARE ALL THE JOKES!?!? Why have you cut out lines from every episode? Where are all the punchlines I’m mouthing out as the scenes progress? Why did Joey not hand Phoebe non-glass glasses with handles & olive oil? Was there a particular reason that Monica stopped at serious and didn’t try to be funny by dancing & saying “A guy from Ralph Lauren called you got a second interview!”. Was there anything particularly offensive about the way pregnant Rachel asked the couple at the coffee shop if she was making them uncomfortable?

^My wedding day with my dog, Chandler. I made a lot of jokes about Chandler's vest that day. Netflix Execs: Would you even get any of them?

 You didn’t release this show to new fans, and you knew that going in. You knew exactly who we were when you announced that on January 1st (National Worldwide day of hangovers & TV binge-watching) the entire series would be released for our consumption. You fed the masses. You basically promised homemade candy to all the neighbors. You threw a bone to us screaming fans who you (and I) both know, will watch that show over & over & over again until the guy outside our window starts singing “MOOOOORNNNINNNNG’SSSS HERE!”… So why did you treat us like we wouldn’t notice the bevy of missing jokes. Did you think we were all smelly cats (It’s not our faults smelly cats, it’s not our faults!)? After all, the relationship between a network & its viewers is a love based on giving and receiving (as well as having and sharing).

Unfortunately, like Chandler finally admits to Joey, I don’t think this was your big break. I think you have a little more work to do to get there, but I think your big break is coming. It’s as if you are on rollerskates with a blonde wig serving James Beans- so close to the perfect job, but not quite there yet. Consider this letter the big push you needed to roll into something better.

So Netflix, grab the team together, whistle while you work and change the fact that you forgot to proofread.

I’m sure someone at Netflix with excellent compuper skills can quickly remedy this problem. Otherwise, you should drop the front and just call yourself TBS. Because I hate to break it to you: Severed episodes of ‘Friends’ have already been available for years.



The Cobras
(Do you get that at least? If not, I quit, I quit! Or you should.)

PS: Now I understand that you’re probably going to want to read a letter from one of the people who did not yell at you and storm out and I think that’s a big mistake and here’s why: I made a huge fool of myself posting this online- that takes courage. When I thought you guys thought that we’d blindly accept this chopped-up show, I spoke out- that shows integrity. And I was not afraid to stand up and divulge just how much I watch this series- that shows courage. Okay, now I know I already said courage but still- you gotta have courage. And finally, when I thought you were making a massacre out of this art, I shouted ‘NO MORE!’ and I was not litigious. So there you go: You got courage, you got integrity, you got courage again and not litigious.
PPS: Please write me back ASAP:
The Cobras
15 Yemen Road


Optimistic Existentialist said...

Wow, they really cut parts from episodes?? Why?? That's crazy!

Pat Hatt said...

Sadly it was probably the only ones they can license. The full versions probably cost more. It is just like when some shows on there don't have the same music, it costs too much so they switched it with crappy music.

Jax said...

First...I love that pic!! You cracked me up with that!!!

Omg so sneaky!!! They totally deserved your letter!!!! Haven't they ever heard of full disclosure?! I don't abbreviate and I am about to throw out a SMH at them. Yea, that's right. I said THAT.

SMD @ lifeaccordingtosteph said...

Wait, they released cut episodes? Why? WHY NETFLIX???????

Sienna said...

I can't believe they cut the episodes! what!!

Jodi said...

The shows are edited?! So weird!!

Panty Buns said...

How dare NetFlix edit out jokes! Shame on them! I have NewFlix (which may partly explain my expanding belly) and have noticed some evidence of prudish censorship. The show "Don't Trust the B*tch in Apartment 23" had numerous instances of underwear censored via pixelation. Even worse, NetFlix censors out all results for "Panty and "Panties" One awful movie I made the mistake of watching on NetFlix that I thought was about an adoptee's search for her mother turned out to be a vulgar anti-abortion propaganda film made by the "American Family Association" which has been designated hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. I can't help but wonder whether they are behind Google's decision to start censoring and even disappearing Blogspot blogs that trolls flag as having nudity starting around March 23rd.
I had tried to contact NetFlix at one point because the way they speed up the credits and reduce the size of the print makes it difficult to read the cast list and find out who played who. They also don't have slow motion or frame by frame. Rewinding to get a better look is very difficult on NetFlix. Dealing with NetFlix help chat is a joke too. They all read off a script and use the words "I have your back"., then refer you to a help article that usually doesn't apply. That doesn't mean I don't watch. I think I've watched almost everything with a female lead and primarily female cast that they have - even "Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader", "Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same", "Not Another Happy Ending" and more. Now that the FCC has backed Net Neutrality could we please get rid of the censorship? Pretty please?